Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Request from M

My wife has asked me why i have not blogged about one of the greatest citizens of Yamhill. I present to you, Bob the llama:

Lama glama

I was introduced to Bob on April 1st. Fascinated, i decided to do the world a service and publish a few facts about Bob the llama. Pushing through the red tape and the refusal at every turn for interviews, i've managed to piece these few scraps together:

Do not fuck with Bob the llama. Did you see Sissy Spaceks character in "Carrie"? It's EXACTLY like that, only this time, it is a llama with telekinetic powers. You have been warned.

Bob the llama can read your thoughts.

Bob the llama claims to have read all of "Remembrance of things past" by Marcel Proust.

Bob the llama has been known to use the phrase, "All Hat and no Cowboy".

Bob the llama can sing the entire Bach cello Suite in D Major, BWV 1012.

Bob the llama is not afraid of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is afraid of Bob the llama.

Bob the llama carries a concealed weapon, a pearl inlay colt .380 semi-auto. Bob the llama loads it with special ammunition made for zombie and werewolf attack. It has been said that the holster for the pistol is made of human bill collector skin.

Bob the llama loathes you, yet allows you to live.

Bob the llama likes war kittens.

Bob the llama enjoys Hawaiian falsetto music.

Bob the llama claims to be an atheist, but is rumored to worship Zool.

Sorry. I got carried away. None of that is true.

The real story of Bob the llama, as told to me by the goat on the property:

Bob the llama does not have telekinetic powers. An anonymous goat on the proptery has evidence that Bob the llama is in fact a KGB mole left over from the cold war. The goat source has also told me that Bob the llama will secretly use his opposable thumbs at night to contact his former handlers in the Kremlin, if only to reminisce. It is said that Bob the llama will speak with an English accent and will answer to the codename Mr. Chernenkov.

Bob the llama simply wishes to retire in peace in Yamhill county.

I respect that in a llama.

Спасибо, Bob the llama, Спасибо.

Aloha from Yamhill, Oregon

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