Saturday, April 12, 2008

The secret living in my house.

Dear Internet weblog/diary to which i confess and share my deepest most personal thoughts with total strangers,

Let me be honest and revealing for a minute. You'll note that i rarely, if ever,refer to anyone by name. I have my reasons. Anonymity? Perhaps. If you dig enough, you'll know who writes this stuff, or you could piece together a profile of the writer or writers.

I mean really, who writes this stuff? Who reads it for that matter?

Perhaps i'm vague about identities because blogging may interfere with my contract work for the company that i work for back home in Hawaii. Perhaps i may feel that the readers of blogs on the Internet are all part of a vast left wing cabal, an illuminati, a secret society, controlling our thoughts, your very actions . The true power behind puppet government, these digerati ar in yur bl0gz, readin yor th0ts.

I don't claim to be an expert in anything. I like to write down observations of life as catharsis. It's good for you, and provides the recommended daily amount of cathartic action as described by the FDA.

On with the blog.

This is my dog, Uli.

Here is another picture.

She is a rescue from the Hawaiian humane society. Like me, she was born and raised in Hawaii. Unlike me, she does not type (to my knowledge) and does not live on the Internet.

Isn't she cool? I would consider myself first a "cat person" if asked. Uli the first dog I've ever owned. She was named after Uli Jon Roth, the guitar player in the original iteration of "The Scorpions". The astute amongst you will say, "Well, its a female dog, she should be called Uwe."

Yes, you're right.

Yes, you can shut the hell up now. It's Uli because i said so.

I think she's cool. Man's best friend indeed- real, unconditional love on four legs.

Loving, attentive eyes.

Behind those eyes, lies the mind of a twisted fiend. Yes, a fiend.

Here is a picture of poop.

Notice i did not use the term "horse manure". I said poop. We refer to it as "poop" in this house because:

1) "Poop" is monosyllabic
2) Seeing #1, i've come to the conclusion that it is much easier to use "poop" in Haiku.
3) Iambic pentameter !

This is a picture of approximately 100 pounds of poop. The street value of this amount, in the pure un-cut form, is several, if not a couple of dollars in seedy and dangerous canine underworld. There. i've said it.

You know where this is going.

Far be it from me to judge my dog. He without sin cast first stone and so on...

I am not an angel, I've had my share of bad judgement calls.. i will draw the line at equine poop abuse or EPA. You can do anything else. Why that Uli? Why that?

Exterior Day

A man and his dog are out for a walk on their horse farm in YAMHILL, OREGON.

You know Uli, it really is the perfect day, like that dude said on that internet blog thing...why, what are you...

Not able to conceal her addiction any longer, the DOG lunges for a pile of horse poop in the tall grass




My heart sank. Her eyes went from the sparkle of unconditional love to the thousand yard stare of an EPA victim. Distant and unfeeling. Looking for the next perverse, poopy fix.

If you have a dog in your house, do anything you can to prevent this epidemic. Educate them. Talk to them of the dangers of EPA. Do you have a cat? You have a gateway drug in your home and don't even know it.

Give your dogs hugs, love and affection.

Just don't let them lick your face.

Aloha from Yamhill.

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